The Deviant Doctor
by wemakeourownmountains
Summary: During their stay at Prufrock Prep, the Baudelaires are called to Nero's office and informed that they have a new guardian - none other than the Doctor. What will happen when the unfortunate siblings and the mad man with a box join forces?


**Hello there people. Er...this just sort of popped into my head. God knows I don't need another story, but what are you going to do? I LOVE Doctor Who, so I decided to do this...it takes place around...oh. I don't know yet. I'll let you know when I do :D **

**Let me know if you think I did everyone justice. Particularly the Doctor. Also, the plot for this (the cancer thing) just happened. I don't know how. Thoughts?**

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><p><strong>Chapter One.<strong>

As I'm sure you know, the three Baudelaire siblings are rather unfortunate children. After a horrible day when they learned their parents had been killed in an awful fire, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny had been sent to live with various so-called relatives and guardians, until at last the man responsible for their affairs, Mr. Poe, sent them to a boarding school called Prufrock Preparatory School, which was an awful place.

The poor children had been forced to sleep on hay stacks with irritable crabs snapping at their toes and fungus dripping from the ceiling. Little Sunny had even been forced to work for the dreadful Vice Principal as a secretary. Though the children had made friends at Prufrock – Duncan and Isadora Quagmire, two triplets who had also been through a terrible fire – it was really a horrible place over all.

It was only the Baudelaire's third day when Mr. Poe came back, and the Baudelaires were called to the Vice Principal Nero's office.

"We won't be able to use our silverware now," said Klaus as he and his sisters climbed the stairs to Nero's office.

"Perhaps Nero will make an exception, since Mr. Poe called us here," suggested Violet. None of the children believed that, but they were thankful that the Vice Principal didn't seem to be practising the violin today, because as they approached the door to his office, they heard no terrible screeching noises. Instead was a strange beeping sound…

"Noy?" asked Sunny, meaning something like, "What do you think that is?"

Violet shook her head. "I don't know, but we'll find out in a moment." And she knocked on the door.

A hacking cough resounded from inside the room, and the voice of Mr. Poe called, "Come in, children!"

In another stroke of uncharacteristic luck, not only was Nero's violin absent, but he was as well. The sole occupant of the room was Mr. Poe and that strange humming noise…or so it seemed to the children.

"Ah, there you are!" he said. He coughed for a moment before adding, "I have very good news for you children."

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny shared a look. Good news?

"What is it?" asked Klaus cautiously.

"I have found you three a new guardian," Mr. Poe announced. "Another distant relative, though this one is quite a bit nicer than Count Olaf." The humming grew louder. It seemed to be coming from under Nero's desk. "If a bit…strange." The banker added.

"Where is he?" asked Violet.

"Or she?" added Klaus.

All of the sudden, a head popped up from behind the desk. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny all shrieked in surprise as a man dressed in an informal suit with suspenders and a bow tie quite like Klaus's stood up and tucked some type of device into his coat pocket while stepping out from behind the desk.

"Hello!" the man said cheerfully. "You must be the Baudelaires!" he shook each of their hands roughly, even Sunny's, which the Baudelaires thought was strange for an adult to do. "That computer," he continued now to Mr. Poe. "Is not advanced in any way. In fact, I'm almost entirely certain that it does no more than show that picture!"

"W-w-w-well, I…you see…Nero told me that…" Mr. Poe stuttered for a moment, but the man turned to the children before the banker could formulate a suitable response.

"Right, children. Children – I love children. Well…most of the time. Some of the time." The man said rather quickly, ruffling Violet, Klaus, and Sunny's hair in turn. "Not that horrible girl I met on the way in here, that's for certain. Carmelita Spits, I believe it was. Called me a cakesniffer. What in the world is that?"

The Baudelaires each stifled a laugh. This man may be strange, they thought, but if he didn't like Carmelita Spats and knew that that ridiculous computer couldn't do a thing, how bad could he be?

The man narrowed his eyes for a moment, then said, "Sorry. Got off track. I tend to do that. Anyway, I'm the Doctor."

"You're a doctor?" asked Klaus with interest.

The man looked confused. "Doctor? I'm not a doctor!" he laughed, "Whatever gave you that idea? Silly boy." He ruffled Klaus's hair again. "Though I do like the bow tie. I've got one too." He adjusted his smartly. "Bow ties are cool."

"Ooih," said Sunny, looking at the Doctor with large eyes. She meant something like "He's nuts."

"What my sister means is, if you're not a doctor, then why did you say you're the Doctor?" Violet said.

"Because that's what people call me," informed the Doctor in a matter-of-fact voice. "I call me that as well. Not sure why. Never really figured that out. Tried to before, but I got distracted…I think. Anyway," he clapped his hands together briskly, startling Mr. Poe into another coughing attack. "We should really get to the TA – I mean, the car. Places to go, worlds to save, and all that."

The Baudelaires nodded mutely, not sure what to say, but Mr. Poe stifled his cough long enough to say, "Well, then, children, I'm sure you'll be very happy, but should you need anything, feel free to contact me or any of my associates at Mulctuary Money Management."

"Yes, Mr. Poe," the children said, already used to his speech. He began to cough again in reply.

Suddenly the Doctor spun around towards Mr. Poe. He had a strange look on his face.

"Mr. Poe, have you had that cough long?" he asked curiously, bending quiet close over the banker and looking at him searchingly.

"Well…yes, as a matter of fact," said Mr. Poe, bewildered. "For a few years, actually. Why?"

"Because," the Doctor said slowly, pulling out the small tool he had tucked into his jacket before and pressing a button on it, causing a green light to shoot out, which he aimed at Mr. Poe's throat first, then his chest. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny gasped, wondering if the Doctor was trying to injure the banker, but the light didn't seem to do him any harm. "Because, Mr. Poe, you have lung cancer."

The Baudelaires gasped again, as did Mr. Poe.

"How – how can you possibly know that? All you've done is – is use that thingy of yours!" Mr. Poe spluttered. "It's just not possible!"

"And you've just said you're not a real doctor," added Violet, a bit shakily.

"Of course I'm a real doctor," said the Doctor, looking insulted as he dug quickly through his pockets. "It's my name, isn't it? Oh where is it…I always keep one just in case…ah, here!"

He produced a vial of bright yellow liquid.

"Ertie?" asked Sunny cautiously from Violet's arms.

"What's that?" asked Mr. Poe warily, unknowingly repeating what Sunny had just asked.

"It's Karnivourious Ramkis," the Doctor explained, uncorking the top. "It will cure your cancer in seconds."

"Oh no!" cried Mr. Poe, backing away and coughing slightly. "I'm not drinking that!"

The Doctor smiled. "Trust me, Mr. Poe, please. It won't hurt you. Look:" he pressed the opening of the bottle to his finger, letting a bit drip out before putting it in his mouth. He shuddered. "Tastes terrible, but it won't hurt you." Mr. Poe still looked dubious, and the Doctor stepped closer to him. "Mr. Poe, my dear sir, I only want to help you. Trust me."

Even the Baudelaire siblings, who had been betrayed and tricked by many adults, felt like they could trust this strange man. Luckily, Mr. Poe seemed to feel the same way, because he took the vial and downed it quickly, making a face as he did so.

The Baudelaires and Mr. Poe waited with baited breath, while the Doctor plucked Mr. Poe's hat off the table and tried it on.

"Oh my goodness," Mr. Poe said suddenly, grabbing his chest. "Oh my. It's – it's working! I can feel it! I don't feel like coughing at all! In fact, I feel better than I have in years!"

He laughed joyously, and then actually reached out and embraced the Doctor, who patted Mr. Poe's back awkwardly.

"Thank you, sir! Thank you very much indeed!" he said. "Should you ever need a loan or a new checking account, come right to me – I'll give you a wonderful deal."

The Doctor patted Mr. Poe on the shoulder, then pulled the banker's top hat off his head and handed it to him.

"You're quite welcome," he said, before turning to the children. "Alright then, we're burning daylight…or something to that effect. Shall we?"

He gestured to the door with his head. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny had no idea what to say. On one hand this man had apparently just cured Mr. Poe of a deadly disease with just a vial of liquid. He shared their views on Nero's 'advanced computer' and Carmelita Spats, and seemed quite interesting, which was always a good thing to be. On the other hand, he also seemed quite mad.

"Quzzy." Sunny said, summing up what they had all been thinking. She meant something like, "It would seem we have no choice in the matter."

Violet and Klaus nodded.

"Er – we'll just need to get our things from the Shack," said Klaus.

"You're things are already in my…car." Informed the Doctor. "Well, what small amount you have. What was with those terribly itchy jumpers?"

The Baudelaires forced themselves to contain laughs. Mr. Poe looked a bit offended.

"I'll have you know that my wife picked out those sweaters!" he said to the Doctor, but he didn't seem that cross. Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that he had just been cured of cancer.

"Then I apologize. Your wife's nerve endings must be in disrepair. Perhaps you should take her to a specialist." The Doctor said politely, grabbing Mr. Poe's hand and shaking it roughly. "Good bye Mr. Poe, and don't worry…the Baudelaires will be safe with me."

"Right – well then…good luck…" said Mr. Poe, obviously trying to work out what 'nerve endings in disrepair' must mean. "Behave yourself, children." He added, patting each Baudelaire on the shoulder as they walked past him towards the door.

"Licke." Sunny said a bit darkly. She meant something like, "We always do."

"I'm sure you do," said the Doctor as he shut the office door behind them all. "Adults always seem to think that kids cause all the trouble. Ridiculous notion. Adults are responsible for ninety-five point three percent of all problems in the universe. Proven fact."

"W-what?" asked Violet, a bit stunned.

"Werty?" asked Sunny, meaning something like, "Did he just understand what I said?"

"Yes, of course I did, silly little girl." Said the Doctor, opening the doors to the stairwell and leading them down. "I speak baby, after all."

"You speak _baby_?" said Klaus incredulously.

"Of course I do." Said the Doctor. "I speak over five billion languages. Not to brag or anything, though I'll admit it is rather impressive."

"Five billion!" Violet said. "There aren't even five billion languages in the _world_!"

"World? No. Universe? Yes. In fact, many more." He replied. "But I have better things to do than learn _every _language. Or, at least, I try to."

The Baudelaires knew that it wasn't nice to stare, but they couldn't help themselves. Who _was_ this man?

After the dim florescent lights of the Administrative Building, the bright sunlight outside was blinding to the children, but apparently had no such affect on the Doctor. He continued forward at a brisk pace, calling back behind him, "Come along, Baudelaires!"

The Baudelaires followed as fast as they could, squinting around at the tombstone-like buildings.

"Where is your car parked?" asked Klaus, looking out towards the lot in front of them.

"Car?" asked the Doctor, sounding confused. "What do you – oh. Right. The car. My car. I have a car. Right. No, it's not here. I…parked it down the street a-ways. Not far." He suddenly pointed back behind them, at the arch that held the school's strange motto, _Memento mori._

"Terrible thing to put in front of a school, don't you think?" he said. The children nodded vehemently. "I believe that it's best to forget you will die, so you can start to live. But on the other hand, one's impending death can motivate one to action. Hmm…that's something to think about…"

They walked for only about five minutes until they came to a small patch of trees little more than a hundred feet from Prufrock.

"Dormo?" asked Sunny, meaning something like, "You parked in the woods?"

"Of course I did!" the Doctor said, leading the way through the trees. "Wouldn't want anyone to steal her, now would I?"

"Her?" asked Klaus, but they had apparently reached the Doctor's 'car', because he stopped.

"Here she is!" he announced, searching through his pockets and pulling out a key before placing it in the lock of the tall blue box in front of them.

"This is your _car_?" asked Violet. "It's just a little police box!"

"Well done," said the Doctor. "But no. It's not a car, it's not little, and it's not _just _anything."

He turned the key, but didn't open the door. Instead he turned to the Baudelaires.

"Alright, before I let you in here, I'm going to have to ask you…are you three used to seeing things that are out-of-the-ordinary?" he asked, a curious expression on his face.

"Yes." The Baudelaires said immediately, in unison.

"Good." The Doctor smiled.

"But wait," said Violet before he could open the door. "How in the world can we all fit in there? And where are the wheels? How can it possibly move without–"

"A moment, please," the Doctor interrupted, holding up a hand. "You'll see. And don't call 'it', 'it'. The name is TARDIS."

And he opened the door.


End file.
